woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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