My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
