All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
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Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
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I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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