Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
