Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
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She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
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I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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