so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
