Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
only if we run a train.
done.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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