i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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