How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
