My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
