i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
