So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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