i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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