my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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