i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
