Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
