i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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