Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
