On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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