im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
