please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
