And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
