My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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