I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
