We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The uberlube is also flammable
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
