Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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