i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
