My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
