I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just puked most of my soul out..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
