Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
