He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
