Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Welp...herpes.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
