the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
