i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
