oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
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Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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