bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
