I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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