Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
