My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
