Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
