My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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