So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
