I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
