he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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