yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize