I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
