I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
