His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I miss vodka workout Fridays
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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