I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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