now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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