I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
