I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
